If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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