I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
