i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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