party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
