Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
