We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
