I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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