The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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