remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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