i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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