All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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