I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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