Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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