I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
and i looked up. we had an audience...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
