i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
