Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
