I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
