I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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