She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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