I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
