Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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