I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
