I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
