he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
