did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
