Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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