JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
