vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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