It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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