yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's official drugs can't kill me
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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