I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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