The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
