Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
