i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
