It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
