We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
