I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
