there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
