Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
