Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
