in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Randomize
