just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I didn't notice because vodka
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Randomize
