Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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