when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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