Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
