I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
