the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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