I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
