omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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