The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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