my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
