I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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