Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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