we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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