I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
