BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
