Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Mom said you looked used
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
