I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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