yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
